Kateryna Lysovenko, Kyiv

15.02.2022
It's like the whole world is performing my old secret ritual from the bad times
A new date for the beginning’s end is set
It is said that everything will happen on such and such date, which means that nothing would happen until that date
If nothing happens during these three days, then everything will be fine
If a brown spot does not appear there again within a month, then it’s not melanoma
If you stop coughing in two weeks, then it's not tuberculosis
If the nagging pain in the abdomen subsides in three days, then it’s not a pregnancy
If nothing happens on the appointed date, then the world is not conceiving a war
The new date has already become something familiar and reassuring, if only I wouldn’t get scared now when no new date is set
I woke up
woke Misha up
took him to the kindergarten
yesterday he didn’t go because he had a runny nose
the teacher informed us where to pick up the children in case they would be taken to a bomb shelter
Rostik didn't go to school today because he had a fever yesterday
exercised and did yoga
practised English
had therapy
a kindergarten teacher called me to say Misha was having a fever, and that I would need to pick him up before lunch
we returned home with Misha, his temperature reduced by itself, we cooked all kinds of delicious treats,
watched Bleach, and then the newest Matrix
in the parent chat, they told us to dress children in vyshyvankas and ribbons tomorrow, but Rostik will not go, he has a sore throat
For some reason, all of this seems very poetic to me.
22.02.2022
When and where to take the children, and is it necessary to evacuate the paintings, it is possible to leave today, but then there would not be enough money in a month
Maybe Uzhgorod is an option, it couldn’t be further to the West, but who knows how Hungary would react, and whether it would be possible to run further
23.02.2022
I'm not scared at all now
A severe catastrophe is clinging on to me, chaining me down, but I have ceased to even have weight, I am up in the air, my breathing is incredibly light
25.02.2022
Tonight I learned that the earth, like water, has several states, and it can cease to be solid and begin to burn with a black flame. The earth today was a burning black sky, and the sky became the sea, and beneath its surface, huge predators swam.
For some reason, the war seemed to me like childbirth - you also can’t get out of the process after it starts, you start breathing in the rhythm of approaching and fading sounds from rockets or planes, and you don’t know if you will survive in the end, you breathe, and you feel the warmth of other bodies, you see incredibly calm creatures, and you trust them completely with your life and that of your loved ones. Only war, unlike childbirth, will not bring new life, only death, and nothing else, no milk, no love.
Ukraine is opposed to two states, and not one has stood next to it.
27.02.2022
We have just crossed the Polish border with Misha and Rostik and Leo the cat, we are going to Warsaw, I don’t know what we’re going to do next at all
I am torn with shame that I cannot protect my home, the right of my children to their home and kindergarten, that I can’t do anything for all those thanks to whom I am safe now; my beloved Vova stayed behind, he brought us here from Kyiv, my younger brother, who will transfer my even younger brother to my mother, and will go to help the army, all the heroes and heroines (now I don’t consider this word negative) who fight the enemy army, provide people with food, medicine, treatment, there there are many of my brave beloved friends and people, whose works and practices make me myself – Anya, Nikita, Zhenya, Vanya, Tolik, Natasha, Asya, Lesya, Lesya, Anya, Anita, Olan, Ulyana, Misha and Rostik's dad Maxim, who transferred his money to us, knowing that the next salary isn’t coming, my dad, my sister, aunt Vera, Vina's parents, Lena, Liza, Alice, our kindergarten class and school, uncle Vitya, a lot of wonderful people who cannot be counted, I have the best country in the world with the best people in the world, I can’t keep my whole life – Misha’s teacher, Rostik’s teachers, all men, women and children, we have been on the road for 2 days, and here in Poland we were given food and water that we have run out of long ago, but it would be better if they stood next to our army, these cookies and apples make me want to cry
Please, forgive me that I'm not with you, I'm sorry that I didn't do anything, I'm ashamed to be alive
For a whole month before the war started, I had been thinking about how to prepare for it, when the children should be evacuated, what to do with my paintings, all my books, drawings; my works remain there, and I believe that I will return to my house and my studio. The day before Vova and the film crew returned from Eastern Ukraine, filming a movie about Donbas was postponed, it became too dangerous
On February 24th I woke up at 4.10 am to the sound of an explosion, got up and put money and documents in my backpack, went to bed, then heard another explosion, Vova woke up, I picked up the phone and texted Vanya Melnichuk; “it started”, I read; “it started”, a text from the father of my children, Maxim
The windows shook from the third explosion, and I began to ask Vova to take the children to Western Ukraine, we began packing, woke up the children, and went outside.
They wrote from the school and the kindergarten that we should not bring the children today, as well as in the following days.
After each explosion, I lost the ability to move, my arms and legs numbed, my heart ached and my head exploded, I told myself that I would not go crazy then and that I had to evacuate the children
We saw people hurriedly walking with backpacks, and the Ukrainian military, calmly walking towards the subway, waiting for transport at bus stops
We set out in the direction of the Beresteyskaya metro station, literally in an hour the empty morning roads were filled with cars towards Lviv, Vova did not have antifreeze, and we stopped at the gas station, there was no antifreeze, only distilled water, while Vova went to the gas station, even more cars filled the road, and we ended up in a traffic jam. After standing in one spot for 4 hours, I agreed with Vova’s proposal to go to his place in a town near Kiyv, we turned around and drove in the opposite direction to the West, in this direction the road was empty, there were again a lot of cars outside the city, people were fleeing to the villages and to dachas
I saw photos of the damaged buildings, the first injured people, read the messages of my military acquaintance on Facebook, there was no bread in the store
In a suburban place, just like in Kyiv, there were queues at ATMs, grocery stores and gas stations, the sound of explosions waned, we decided to spend the night and leave the next day. In the evening we heard the sounds of fighter jets or other aircraft, and again explosions, we went for a walk around the town at night, down the slopes to the river, that night I learned that the earth, like water, has several states, and it can cease to be solid and start burning with a black flame. The earth today was a burning black sky, and the sky became the sea, and beneath its surface, huge predators swam.
For some reason, the war seemed to me like childbirth - you also can’t get out of the process after it starts, you start breathing in the rhythm of approaching and fading sounds from rockets or planes, and you don’t know if you will survive in the end, you breathe, and you feel the warmth of other bodies, you see incredibly calm creatures, and you trust them completely with your life and that of your loved ones. Only war, unlike childbirth, will not bring new life, only death, and nothing else, no milk, no love.
We slept little, waking up from new noises, and read the news: hit residential buildings, dead soldiers, captured Russians, dead civilians, in the morning there was news about the dead refugees from the south of Ukraine, hit kindergarten and an orphanage near Kyiv, correspondence with my sister and brothers from Odesa, roll call with friends and colleagues. In the morning we got into the car and left Vova's house, whose garden already had a spring appearance. We avoided cities, drove through the fields, many were already ploughed
We reached Western Ukraine in the evening, Vova put me and the children on a bus going to Warsaw, he is my hero, he saved us, like everyone thanks to whom Ukraine remains standing, my life and the life of my children today is the work of many heroic people – those who went to work and sold food, medicines, fuel, those who stood up for Ukraine, the labour of Vova, who took us across the country, I’m ashamed, many of my brave friends, colleagues, acquaintances, they are in danger, and I live, I am safe
What is it, can’t name it, nothing fits – violence, horror, war crime, these words are too light for the immeasurable gravity of the dead children, women, men, who died in houses, basements, streets, hospitals, cars
What it is, can’t name, nothing fits – famine, humanitarian disaster, siege, words are too light for the gravity of a child born in a basement, doomed to a shortage of formula, an elderly woman who can’t access her diabetes medicine, an elderly man who committed suicide out of despair
What is it, can’t name it, nothing fits – a ruined square of a city, the ruins of the house that I loved to look at, the distraught Eastern horizon, rearing up, devouring people and space, like a black hole
And our children lived in houses, went to kindergarten, and they went to school, and to playgrounds, and rode in carriages, their faces shone, their bodies were whole, the war, even before it takes lives, takes the radiance away from children, I didn’t it notice before because I took it for granted, the glow from under the skin, now it's gone
And now schools and kindergartens are destroyed, children fade, houses are destroyed, children turn grey, not whole, disappear and cannot go anywhere else
This is more catastrophic than any ability to feel, the lack of choice not to become a person with a war consciousness, the inability to look at the world as something unshakable, now peaceful cities seem very fragile, everything can break at any moment, anything can happen